Doping, Drinking, Banging

The World Anti-Doping Code has jumped on the anti-steriod bandwagon. There are several items on their Prohibited Substances list. Luckily for me, alcohol doesn't appear to be prohibited IN or OUT of competition. Guess it's ok to curl drunk. That's a relief, given that this video is pretty much how I remember (of those I do remember) most of Brad's "experimental training sessions" ending.

Maybe Bode Miller will want to come join us. I hear his ex was Claudia Toth from the Australian women's Olympic team curling team, and that bangin' silhouette you see on the cover of the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" curling calendar. I think she has a sister! Just let him know we already got the prerequisite "bad boy" on the team and there's no room for two of us.

As Seen on TV

Mike Thompson, of the World Curling Federation (WCF) , has noted that "curling is now appearing on TV today in a way it wasn't done in years gone by." A lot of it due to exposure on the satellite-television sports channel Eurosport.

Essentially what he meant was, curling being on TV period wasn't done in the past. That said, the TV rights to curling are no joke. While it may seem like a step below watching senior women's blowing bowling (I'm sure we meant bowling, Ed.), curling garnered significant television coverage during the 2002 Winter Olympic Games. As a result there are estimated to be 1.5 million people curling now.

WCF sounds a little like a nasty female wrestling organization doesn't it? Wrestling + C-word + Federation (WCF). Hmmm. I'll let you figure what "c-word" might work there.

Name Our Online Clubhouse

We've been working on a name for our online clubhouse. Let us know what you think. Needs to be catchy, and look good on a t-shirt.

• Out of the hack
• Rockin the house
• Ice vice
• In the hack
• From the hack
• Throwing the rock
• Hammer Time
• Have broom will curl
• Burly curlers
• Brooms of steel
• Rock knockers

Sex is Better Than Curling

Here's an interesting follow-up to my recent post on Canada's obsession with Curling. Apparently, the government has expressed genuine concern over the low birth rates they've seen in the past few decades. With the population of Canada in a steep decline, they've put out these public service announcements to get people to consider more sex. Forget about diseases, birth control, or awkward social situations. Just get out there and fuck OK?! It's like you forgot how or something.

Canada Forever Linked to Curling. Why?

Check out this training video for new recruits to the Canadian curling team. I know, they come across like a couple dorks that have been drinking Molsen since 7am. So you have to ask yourself, why is Canada so inextricably linked to curling? The answer is in the numbers, (courtesy the Philly Daily News).

Question: What is the No. 2 sport in Canada, after hockey?
Answer: curling.

Q: What percent of the world's curlers live there?
A: 94 percent.

Q: How many world titles has the country won?
A: 29.

Q: How many gold medals has it won?
A: One, in 1998.

Only one gold medal. I think they've won more in badminton! How can they have 94% of the world's curlers and only one gold? I think this training video makes it pretty clear.

PS-Where the hell does that word "badminton" come from anyway?

A Curling Song

This guy Jonathan Coulton wrote a song about curling. Check it out. Send it to your friends. Play it on your speakers turned up to 11. Support an independent musician by sending tips, or at least a nice email.

Movie Bombshell

Our publicist dug up a curling movie from 2002 called Men with Brooms. Doesn't look like anyone outside Ontario ever saw it. Hopefully no one in Hollyweird noticed how bad it flopped. Could hurt our chances of getting our flick out of tinseltown.

A-Listers Wanted

The production team has started searching for an A-lister to play the lead in our curling movie. I know it sounds far fetched. Ben Affleck (perish the thought) doing a movie about curling?! They got Paul Newman to do Slapshot right? Guess our casting agent talked with Paul's agent, but he's busy making salad dressing these days.

Looks like Brad and I will get to serve as technical consultants for the film. Can't say I mind the thought of being on movie sets, hanging out in LA, with expenses paid. Isn't per diem Latin for "strip club money"? Publicist says we may even get to have a brief cameo in the movie, or at least play an extra. Keep an eye out for me! I'm the good looking one.

Beer and Calendar Girls

Like any sport, we need funding to buy beer uniforms (we don't drink beer in training, Ed.) and to keep our training facilities running with state-of-the-art equipment. Curling isn't cheap! Do you know how much it costs to run an ice rink?! And curling stones aren't just some river rocks. They're made of a very special granite called Blue Hone, which is known for its toughness and resiliency. Blue Hone granite only comes from one location, Ailsa Craig, Scotland. Due to the rarity of the material, and the fact that the Craig is now a bird sanctuary, a set of 16 stones costs $12,000.

Also like most sports, we're male dominated and not above exploiting (attractive, Ed.) women to raise awareness and money. We're hawking the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" calendar, which features some artsy photos of hot women curlers. Never to miss out on an opportunity to comment on, if they're not printing photos of, scantily clad women, Playboy has announced they love it. I know what we'll be seeing in ice rinks across the world from now until forever. Rowrrrrr!

Tuques Take Off

Word has gotten around that a reunion tour of Bob & Doug McKenzie (of Take Off fame) with Geddy Lee of Rush, is in the works. While it's meant to be a tribute to great Canadian curlers, teams around the world have agreed to take part in celebration. A commemorative stocking cap, they're only called "tuques" in Canada, eh?, will be sold to contribute to the Curlers with Aging Needs (CAN) foundation. It helps the old geysers who made millions for their countries and sponsors, but never saw a dime themselves, at least pay for some medical care and decent place to live. Poor bastards with barely enough money to buy a 40 oz of Moosehead once a week.

Rock, Sheet, Broom

You know you've really started to take off when classic kids games get adapted for your sport. The old Rock, Paper, Scissors has been updated. The rules, if it isn't already obvious: You and your combatant throw out your hands simultaneously in one of three gestures: now Rock (fist), Sheet (hand flat, palm down), or Broom (four fingers pointed down).

• Rock beats Broom
• Sheet covers Rock
• Broom sweeps Sheet

Winner gets to smack the crap out of the loser!

Get on Your Knees

No. I'm not talking about oral pleasures, or hero worship. Not that I discourage those things. I do seem to have started a knee-pad trend though. Not kneepads for that, you professional ass-kissers! You know who you are. I've started wearing this carbon fiber prototype to protect my hard worn extension leg from the countless hours of pounding the ice. At first I got a lot of strange looks. Now I see others toying with it. Better get that patent sewed up, and endorsement deal going. What the fuck is my manager doing?! I knew I never should have signed with the Maguire Agency.

Movie in The Works

We've really started to see some momentum around the marketing and promotional activities. Our publicist has suggested to the oversight committee that we take it to the next level. They've formed a production company to start work on a Curling movie. Tie-ins have done wonderful things for the image of the US Military. Even that silly Dodgeball movie inspired amateur leagues to pop up all over the U.S. This could be good for us. Really good.

The Marketing Machine is in Motion

Taking a trip down to Oakley HQ in Foothill Ranch, California as part of our promotional tour and effort to drum up sponsors. Word is they've got these glasses that enhance the view during ice-based sports activities. Lets you do a better job of reading the breaks. Some blocking wavelengths crap. I dunno. I just hope they look cool. Can't keep up the image if we're all looking like Corey Hart.

Hell. If Brad can keep his nose clean, he might be talking Wheaties box. Too bad those rumors persist of blood transfusions at the Swiss clinic and the night he turned blue in Canada.

The Dark Side of Curling

Never underestimate what a true competitor is willing to do in order to win. One of the guys got called out for "warming the ice" well ahead of the rock today. That means rubbing your broom excessively back and forth in front of the rock to affect it line. Skip saw it, but looked the other way. Coaches caught all of it and we got the sportsmanship lecture.

Those of us that have been around awhile know that this is nothing compared to the real seedy side of curling. The old-timers who used to rig hollow broom handles that misted hot water on the ice ahead of opponents rocks to freeze them in place. Stick pebbles in their sliders to dig up the ice and ruin a competitors line. All sorts of shady crap.

The Masked Mexican Curlers publicly terrorized anyone that dare challenge them. Worse if you were at an unsanctioned event. They claim they've cleaned up their act. Just because you wear a suit now, doesn't mean you're not in the mafia a hard working Italian-America. (let's keep this respectful of our fellow countrymen, who just happen to lead the unions that work all the major sporting arenas on the east coast, Ed.)