If a Broom Falls on the Ice, Does it Make a Sound

If curling had a soundtrack, here's what we'd play. We've got to get a smoke machine and fireworks like wrestling. We also need a BIG ass PA system, or at least an organ like baseball or hockey. It's called showmanship people!

In any case, time to get that "Curling Rocks!: Volume I" compilation that we've been working on out on the market. Send your suggestions.

• Devil's Broom - The Mountain Goats
• Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
• Our House - Madness
• King of Rock - Run DMC
• Rock of Ages - Def Leppard
• Swept Away - Phish
• Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
• Haunted Hockey Rink - The Zambonis
• Broom People - The Mountain Goats
• Slide It In - Whitesnake
• Broom Love - Andres Levin
• Rock Me - Great White
  

Marketing Blitz

We have started working on our marketing blitz. The official theme song, and requisite video with hot babes, has been shot with Hammerfall. They're an upcoming rock act that we think can live up our hard rockin' image. Maybe we can get them to write a song called Bloodcicle.The team publicist says she's generated some real interest in doing a major Hollywood film set in the world of curling. The synopsis is essentially misfits going for glory. Think of Dodge-ball the movie, but on ice. I hope Rip Torn is in it.

Bloodcicle

Things are really getting intense. One of the more outspoken players went down hard. Everyone heard the dull sickening thud of skull smacking against the unforgiving ice, but no one claims to have seen anything. The individual, who will go unnamed, said they "slipped and hit their head". No one believes it, but that is the code of curling.

No matter what really happened we all know that when they come back, if they come back, anything that was done afoul will be met with stiff repercussions. I can't say I'm surprised. Tensions are running high, and they'll be making additional cuts to get down to the final roster soon. I could see the disbelief in a lot of the newbies eyes. Probably the first time they've seen a pool of blood freeze to the ice. They never show that on TV. The training staff took their time scraping the blood away, and even then it left a slight pink tint to the ice that will be a reminder for some time to come.

Pushing Too Hard

Brad has had to sit out this week, due to injury. He's undertaken an extreme training regamine and pushed too hard. He struggled to get on the ice, but it was obvious he would only exacerbate the injury. Wisely, the staff decided to bench him. Such is the will of a champion.

It's never too late to show your team spirit. Hop on over to the U.S. Olympic Shop and pick yourself up a Curling Team USA sport fleece. It's how Brad stays warm sitting on the sideline. Sorry pal.

Going Old School

Brad and I have had it with these "modern" synthetic shimmies they call brooms. We're going old school and using corncob. Maybe we can track down master broom craftsman Hattori Hanzo. He dropped out of the curling scene to escape the fall-out when a rogue band of curlers from Liechtenstein used one of his brooms to beat an official from the World Curling Federation nearly to death. The official looks much better with the fake teeth and glass eye, but that orbital socket will never be right no matter how much plastic surgery they do. Last we heard, Hattori was trimming Bonzai trees and getting drunk on Absinthe. Hope he still knows "the way".

$ponsors and Endor$ments

Now that the team has started to gel, and we have a respectable crew, the PR staff is coordinating meet and greets as a way to find sponsors to outfit the squad. Standard footwear, athletic wear, sport drink packages. I'm still looking for the personal endorsement deal for erotic ice cubes. I'm certain there's a market for a frozen anatomically correct dildo drink swizzler. (adult endorsements may alienate the mainstream sponsors, Ed.)