Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Dreams Shattered

Unbelievable. Looks like Brad broke his hip. It was caught on the training tape I've included above. Can't stand to watch it myself.

I fear our dreams of Olympic glory may be over. I guess it's selfish for me to think of that now. It's just hard to accept that our first real shot to bring an Olympic curling gold medal to US, and first Mens world championship gold since 1978, is over.

The doc says he could go with an artificial hip, but the restricted movement would never allow a return to form. I'm more worried about Brad's state of mind. When a competitor like him is told he can no longer perform at a world-class level, it's tough for them to accept. I've seen many brave men sink into deep depression over less.

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Brad Goes Down

No. No. He didn't come out of the closet. Jeez! Are all curlers adolescent homophobes? I wasn't speaking of you of course. It's the others.

Anyway. Brad went down hard on the ice tonight. Just one of those freak accidents that remind us it can happen to anyone. Even a legend like Brad. He popped right back up like a true champion, but we could tell he was hiding a lot of pain. Hopefully it's just a bruise. I know he took some shrapnel to the hip when he served in the Gulf War. Had to have a metal plate put in or some crap. The only reason I know is he likes to brag to the ladies that he had reinforcement put in his pelvis. Due to his "extreme sexual prowess". Whatever! I just hope he's alright. Seriously. The whole team anchors on him.

Monday, June 5, 2006

Watching Water Freeze

Found a very nice infomercial on Curling by the International Olympic Committee. They've got to get with the times and give up that "Chess on Ice" tagline crap. Sounds as exciting as watching water freeze.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Doping, Drinking, Banging

The World Anti-Doping Code has jumped on the anti-steriod bandwagon. There are several items on their Prohibited Substances list. Luckily for me, alcohol doesn't appear to be prohibited IN or OUT of competition. Guess it's ok to curl drunk. That's a relief, given that this video is pretty much how I remember (of those I do remember) most of Brad's "experimental training sessions" ending.

Maybe Bode Miller will want to come join us. I hear his ex was Claudia Toth from the Australian women's Olympic team curling team, and that bangin' silhouette you see on the cover of the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" curling calendar. I think she has a sister! Just let him know we already got the prerequisite "bad boy" on the team and there's no room for two of us.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

As Seen on TV

Mike Thompson, of the World Curling Federation (WCF) , has noted that "curling is now appearing on TV today in a way it wasn't done in years gone by." A lot of it due to exposure on the satellite-television sports channel Eurosport.

Essentially what he meant was, curling being on TV period wasn't done in the past. That said, the TV rights to curling are no joke. While it may seem like a step below watching senior women's blowing bowling (I'm sure we meant bowling, Ed.), curling garnered significant television coverage during the 2002 Winter Olympic Games. As a result there are estimated to be 1.5 million people curling now.

WCF sounds a little like a nasty female wrestling organization doesn't it? Wrestling + C-word + Federation (WCF). Hmmm. I'll let you figure what "c-word" might work there.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Name Our Online Clubhouse

We've been working on a name for our online clubhouse. Let us know what you think. Needs to be catchy, and look good on a t-shirt.
  • Out of the hack
  • Rockin the house
  • Ice vice
  • In the hack
  • From the hack
  • Throwing the rock
  • Hammer Time
  • Have broom will curl
  • Burly curlers
  • Brooms of steel
  • Rock knockers

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sex is Better Than Curling

Here's an interesting follow-up to my recent post on Canada's obsession with Curling. Apparently, the government has expressed genuine concern over the low birth rates they've seen in the past few decades. With the population of Canada in a steep decline, they've put out these public service announcements to get people to consider more sex. Forget about diseases, birth control, or awkward social situations. Just get out there and fuck OK?! It's like you forgot how or something.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Canada Forever Linked to Curling. Why?

Check out this training video for new recruits to the Canadian curling team. I know, they come across like a couple dorks that have been drinking Molsen since 7am. So you have to ask yourself, why is Canada so inextricably linked to curling? The answer is in the numbers, (courtesy the Philly Daily News).

Question: What is the No. 2 sport in Canada, after hockey?
Answer: curling.

Q: What percent of the world's curlers live there?
A: 94 percent.

Q: How many world titles has the country won?
A: 29.

Q: How many gold medals has it won?
A: One, in 1998.

Only one gold medal. I think they've won more in badminton! How can they have 94% of the world's curlers and only one gold? I think this training video makes it pretty clear.

PS-Where the hell does that word "badminton" come from anyway?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A Curling Song

This guy Jonathan Coulton wrote a song about curling. Check it out. Send it to your friends. Play it on your speakers turned up to 11. Support an independent musician by sending tips, or at least a nice email.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Movie Bombshell

Our publicist dug up a curling movie from 2002 called Men with Brooms. Doesn't look like anyone outside Ontario ever saw it. Hopefully no one in Hollyweird noticed how bad it flopped. Could hurt our chances of getting our flick out of tinseltown.

Friday, May 19, 2006

A-Listers Wanted

The production team has started searching for an A-lister to play the lead in our curling movie. I know it sounds far fetched. Ben Affleck (perish the thought) doing a movie about curling?! They got Paul Newman to do Slapshot right? Guess our casting agent talked with Paul's agent, but he's busy making salad dressing these days.

Looks like Brad and I will get to serve as technical consultants for the film. Can't say I mind the thought of being on movie sets, hanging out in LA, with expenses paid. Isn't per diem Latin for "strip club money"? Publicist says we may even get to have a brief cameo in the movie, or at least play an extra. Keep an eye out for me! I'm the good looking one.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Beer and Calendar Girls

Like any sport, we need funding to buy beer uniforms (we don't drink beer in training, Ed.) and to keep our training facilities running with state-of-the-art equipment. Curling isn't cheap! Do you know how much it costs to run an ice rink?! And curling stones aren't just some river rocks. They're made of a very special granite called Blue Hone, which is known for its toughness and resiliency. Blue Hone granite only comes from one location, Ailsa Craig, Scotland. Due to the rarity of the material, and the fact that the Craig is now a bird sanctuary, a set of 16 stones costs $12,000.

Also like most sports, we're male dominated and not above exploiting (attractive, Ed.) women to raise awareness and money. We're hawking the Ana Arce "Fire on Ice" calendar, which features some artsy photos of hot women curlers. Never to miss out on an opportunity to comment on, if they're not printing photos of, scantily clad women, Playboy has announced they love it. I know what we'll be seeing in ice rinks across the world from now until forever. Rowrrrrr!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Tuques Take Off

Word has gotten around that a reunion tour of Bob & Doug McKenzie (of Take Off fame) with Geddy Lee of Rush, is in the works. While it's meant to be a tribute to great Canadian curlers, teams around the world have agreed to take part in celebration. A commemorative stocking cap, they're only called "tuques" in Canada, eh?, will be sold to contribute to the Curlers with Aging Needs (CAN) foundation. It helps the old geysers who made millions for their countries and sponsors, but never saw a dime themselves, at least pay for some medical care and decent place to live. Poor bastards with barely enough money to buy a 40 oz of Moosehead once a week.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Rock, Sheet, Broom

You know you've really started to take off when classic kids games get adapted for your sport. The old Rock, Paper, Scissors has been updated. The rules, if it isn't already obvious: You and your combatant throw out your hands simultaneously in one of three gestures: now Rock (fist), Sheet (hand flat, palm down), or Broom (four fingers pointed down).
  • Rock beats Broom
  • Sheet covers Rock
  • Broom sweeps Sheet
Winner gets to smack the crap out of the loser!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Get on Your Knees

No. I'm not talking about oral pleasures, or hero worship. Not that I discourage those things. I do seem to have started a knee-pad trend though. Not kneepads for that, you professional ass-kissers! You know who you are. I've started wearing this carbon fiber prototype to protect my hard worn extension leg from the countless hours of pounding the ice. At first I got a lot of strange looks. Now I see others toying with it. Better get that patent sewed up, and endorsement deal going. What the fuck is my manager doing?! I knew I never should have signed with the Maguire Agency.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Movie in The Works

We've really started to see some momentum around the marketing and promotional activities. Our publicist has suggested to the oversight committee that we take it to the next level. They've formed a production company to start work on a Curling movie. Tie-ins have done wonderful things for the image of the US Military. Even that silly Dodgeball movie inspired amateur leagues to pop up all over the U.S. This could be good for us. Really good.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Marketing Machine is in Motion

Taking a trip down to Oakley HQ in Foothill Ranch, California as part of our promotional tour and effort to drum up sponsors. Word is they've got these glasses that enhance the view during ice-based sports activities. Lets you do a better job of reading the breaks. Some blocking wavelengths crap. I dunno. I just hope they look cool. Can't keep up the image if we're all looking like Corey Hart.

Hell. If Brad can keep his nose clean, he might be talking Wheaties box. Too bad those rumors persist of blood transfusions at the Swiss clinic and the night he turned blue in Canada.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

The Dark Side of Curling

Never underestimate what a true competitor is willing to do in order to win. One of the guys got called out for "warming the ice" well ahead of the rock today. That means rubbing your broom excessively back and forth in front of the rock to affect it line. Skip saw it, but looked the other way. Coaches caught all of it and we got the sportsmanship lecture.

Those of us that have been around awhile know that this is nothing compared to the real seedy side of curling. The old-timers who used to rig hollow broom handles that misted hot water on the ice ahead of opponents rocks to freeze them in place. Stick pebbles in their sliders to dig up the ice and ruin a competitors line. All sorts of shady crap.

The Masked Mexican Curlers publicly terrorized anyone that dare challenge them. Worse if you were at an unsanctioned event. They claim they've cleaned up their act. Just because you wear a suit now, doesn't mean you're not in the mafia a hard working Italian-America. (let's keep this respectful of our fellow countrymen, who just happen to lead the unions that work all the major sporting arenas on the east coast, Ed.)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

If a Broom Falls on the Ice, Does it Make a Sound

If curling had a soundtrack, here's what we'd play. We've got to get a smoke machine and fireworks like wrestling. We also need a BIG ass PA system, or at least an organ like baseball or hockey. It's called showmanship people!

In any case, time to get that "Curling Rocks!: Volume I" compilation that we've been working on out on the market. Send your suggestions.
  • Devil's Broom - The Mountain Goats
  • Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
  • Our House - Madness
  • King of Rock - Run DMC
  • Rock of Ages - Def Leppard
  • Swept Away - Phish
  • Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
  • Haunted Hockey Rink - The Zambonis
  • Broom People - The Mountain Goats
  • Slide It In - Whitesnake
  • Broom Love - Andres Levin
  • Rock Me - Great White

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Marketing Blitz

We have started working on our marketing blitz. The official theme song, and requisite video with hot babes, has been shot with Hammerfall. They're an upcoming rock act that we think can live up our hard rockin' image. Maybe we can get them to write a song called Bloodcicle.

The team publicist says she's generated some real interest in doing a major Hollywood film set in the world of curling. The synopsis is essentially misfits going for glory. Think of Dodge-ball the movie, but on ice. I hope Rip Torn is in it.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Things are really getting intense. One of the more outspoken players went down hard. Everyone heard the dull sickening thud of skull smacking against the unforgiving ice, but no one claims to have seen anything. The individual, who will go unnamed, said they "slipped and hit their head". No one believes it, but that is the code of curling.

No matter what really happened we all know that when they come back, if they come back, anything that was done afoul will be met with stiff repercussions. I can't say I'm surprised. Tensions are running high, and they'll be making additional cuts to get down to the final roster soon. I could see the disbelief in a lot of the newbies eyes. Probably the first time they've seen a pool of blood freeze to the ice. They never show that on TV. The training staff took their time scraping the blood away, and even then it left a slight pink tint to the ice that will be a reminder for some time to come.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pushing Too Hard

Brad has had to sit out this week, due to injury. He's undertaken an extreme training regamine and pushed too hard. He struggled to get on the ice, but it was obvious he would only exacerbate the injury. Wisely, the staff decided to bench him. Such is the will of a champion.

It's never too late to show your team spirit. Hop on over to the U.S. Olympic Shop and pick yourself up a Curling Team USA sport fleece. It's how Brad stays warm sitting on the sideline. Sorry pal.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Going Old School

Brad and I have had it with these "modern" synthetic shimmies they call brooms. We're going old school and using corncob. Maybe we can track down master broom craftsman Hattori Hanzo. He dropped out of the curling scene to escape the fall-out when a rogue band of curlers from Liechtenstein used one of his brooms to beat an official from the World Curling Federation nearly to death. The official looks much better with the fake teeth and glass eye, but that orbital socket will never be right no matter how much plastic surgery they do. Last we heard, Hattori was trimming Bonzai trees and getting drunk on Absinthe. Hope he still knows "the way".

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

$ponsors and Endor$ments

Now that the team has started to gel, and we have a respectable crew, the PR staff is coordinating meet and greets as a way to find sponsors to outfit the squad. Standard footwear, athletic wear, sport drink packages. I'm still looking for the personal endorsement deal for erotic ice cubes. I'm certain there's a market for a frozen anatomically correct dildo drink swizzler. (adult endorsements may alienate the mainstream sponsors, Ed.)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The First Night of the Rest of Your Life

We had our first night of training camp to earn a spot with the U.S Olympic Curling Team. Spent most of the practice getting oriented with the coaching staff, and sizing up the new people. I'm sure it psyches a lot of them out to know there's an honest to god curling prodigy like Brad in the room.

Coaching staff could tell we were anxious to hit the ice, but forced us to watch a lot of tape, sign liability waivers, etc. I swear the training tape wasn't much better than this recruitment video. Trying to put everyone in the right frame of mind for what is sure to be a brutal next few weeks. We all hate to hear it, but it's back to basics.

I may be getting ahead of myself. If you're new to curling, it may look like janitors trying to play shuffleboard on a skating rink. Don't be fooled by the seemingly slow pace, and elegance of the veterans. It's sport, and like any competitive athletic endeavor can be brutal on the weak or uninitiated. Particularly when it's for a battle to be played out on the world stage. You should get up to speed, and learn the basics of curling. We'll have more next week.